I told myself that I was confidently lost but was desperately trying to be found.
It’s a definite struggle to live in this world being 16, a female, black and a Christian. I try to be the best I can . I try to be intelligent. I try to be smart. I strive to be kind but in some way I always fall short. I always seem to disappoint myself and fall into temptation. I try to practice to what I preach but I always get sucked back into groping sins. Don’t we all at some point?
I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost my will. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my spunk. I’ve lost my happiness, and with all that being lost I’ve found other things.
I find myself with bad company.
I find myself wanting worldly things.
I find myself being ridiculously vulnerable.
I find myself wanting approval from others.
I find myself with low self esteem.
I find myself searching for me in others.
Someone once told me that certain things won’t affect you if you don’t allow it to and that you should never love with all your heart but with a piece of it. I secretly disagree with that because I give love like how I want to be loved. Wholeheartedly. But I guess that’s the reason why I always get hurt because I give too much to the wrong people and they always leave causing me to be numbed with pain that I conceal with counterfeit smiles.
I have lost my best friend, I don’t communicate as frequently as I should with my parents. I’ve become defiant. Rebellious to some extent and unsettled. I pray that God would make things better and that He’d fix things in my life. But my flesh flares up and tries to drag me under.
Life is hard and there are countless times when I almost gave up. But I know the best thing to do is push through with God. That’s all I CAN do.
-T
Hey sister…thanks for sharing. Is there anything too hard for God? Is there any part of our lives that he is not concerned about? Will he fix our social and emotional concerns? Does he understand that we are not perfect, but are still on the potter’s wheel?
Don’t be too hard on yourself or even be discouraged… look not to the right or the left. We all have our specific walk and experiences that we encounter to drive closer to our destiny. All I can say is trust God. He cares.
Thanks sis 💕
This is very bold. Another step to adding some more positives on your journey. What you share is so real. I was not a Christian at 16 and the other experiences are so similar.
Fast forward a few years: I have been learning valuable lessons from the Word of God. While some persons will say “that was His words long ago”. I encourage you to
continue to trust His Word as a guide on your journey.
PS. Your smiles are beautiful, keep them real.
Aunty N.
Thank you so much
You are right ” the best thing to do is push through with God”
Glad to meet you here, keep writing you will see light :).