I told myself that I was confidently lost but was desperately trying to be found.
It’s a definite struggle to live in this world being 16, a female, black and a Christian. I try to be the best I can . I try to be intelligent. I try to be smart. I strive to be kind but in some way I always fall short. I always seem to disappoint myself and fall into temptation. I try to practice to what I preach but I always get sucked back into groping sins. Don’t we all at some point?
I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost my will. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my spunk. I’ve lost my happiness, and with all that being lost I’ve found other things.
I find myself with bad company.
I find myself wanting worldly things.
I find myself being ridiculously vulnerable.
I find myself wanting approval from others.
I find myself with low self esteem.
I find myself searching for me in others.
Someone once told me that certain things won’t affect you if you don’t allow it to and that you should never love with all your heart but with a piece of it. I secretly disagree with that because I give love like how I want to be loved. Wholeheartedly. But I guess that’s the reason why I always get hurt because I give too much to the wrong people and they always leave causing me to be numbed with pain that I conceal with counterfeit smiles.
I have lost my best friend, I don’t communicate as frequently as I should with my parents. I’ve become defiant. Rebellious to some extent and unsettled. I pray that God would make things better and that He’d fix things in my life. But my flesh flares up and tries to drag me under.
Life is hard and there are countless times when I almost gave up. But I know the best thing to do is push through with God. That’s all I CAN do.